I have been fighting for my freedom for as long as I remember, I was held a prisoner on my own grounds without paying mind to what it may inflect upon my little person. I lost myself trying to mend the broken hearts of those close to mine, I have been in my fair share of toxic relations which left me aimless wondering who I was and why I have participated in my own destruction. I brought harm to myself, brought sadness to others, went through the motions, and kept on going… some might call it glorious victory, others, like me, see it as an auto-piloted shell of a person.
The bullshit wisdom uttered with my own lips gave me an audience of faithful fools that remained smitten by my tainted looks; I might look like a flower on the outside but I am but a rotten soul living by the love of those who put me on a pedestal. I am an over achiever, yes, but what has it ever done to my happiness? It seems as though the more successful I became the more numb I felt. The story of a girl so radiant as the sun and so elegant as the moon surfaced in all the lands, competition after competition I understood the fatality that the looks that God bestowed upon me might achieve, I fed on peoples’ admiration and lived through does puppeteers that knew how to commandeer my gestures… Ugh! what a bitch life is, what a stupendous one it made of me! We blame others for our mischief, our shortcomings, and our ugliness but I dwell on the oceans of man-made pity that I nuanced red myself.
Once, when you saw me in the streets you would be livestock to my gaze, if beneficial you got my blessings if just another fool you gained my compassion. See, I am always one who loves underdogs. I dispel them, mold them, kill them, reignite them like phoenixes and next thing you knew, what have started as a loser became the alpha-male of a whole bunch of reeking dogs. How do they repay me? well, with the only kindness left in their memories of course: they leave me stranded, broken-hearted, and move on to the next one. What comes around, simply, goes back around! the way you are treated is the way that you would be treated. It is the circle of life. I might have wanted to be destroyed, forgotten, left for days past where nobody knew who I was but my pride always took the best of me. Luckily my wishes once words became reality when it all crumbled down like dominoes unraveling, one brick at a time, walls were left as world heritage others were taken to museums garnering lust and scorn. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Onto a spiral I went down and crashed in the dirtiest of grounds, shame was synonymous to my person. It drove me mad, crazy for what once was, admirer of a lifestyle that I took for granted and hoped to be severed from. Be careful of what you wish for, for sometimes spoken dreams come true. It could be divine, preposterous, or simply mortal.
Let bygones be bygones, a voice said, to that voice I give my thanks for I mustered some courage, took my money, and drove onto the open road. The unknown has had its hold on me for the longest of times, its mysteries were savage fantasies earnest yet never satisfied. I began my journey and I have found the thing that defined me most, the thing that gave me life, the thing that both dazzles and scares me: freedom. Freedom to act, freedom to speak, freedom to be who I was meant to be. This simple Lacy, now long forgotten, the one that was queen amongst kings, the only one that could claim sovereignty over success. Yes, I was wealthy beyond compare from a young age but that money tasted so sour. Whenever I think about it my tongue shivers and starts to coil. Grieve was no longer, I gave my status as legend to charities and poured my money where it must have been. I tasted defeat and it taste was sweeter than the grandest of victories. I changed my name, came to terms with whom I must be, and applied for a job elsewhere. Mundane it is compared to my previous accomplishments yet mundane it made the shark in me. Quill, squeaking on the moral benefits it gifted me with and the world.
I have a life now, a purpose, and a reason. I am fulfilled beyond compare looking forward for whatever challenge life might preserve for me in its vast reservoir of possibilities. The moment I step on the cemented floors at the airport is the moment I, Elijah, start a new journey towards redemption and vulnerability.